LoudthiNker’s plaCe to Tell peoPle of HeR tHouGhts

lagi 4 hari aku genap 2 bulan kat PDM. Byk bende dah happen byk bende dah tgk,byk bende dah belajar.hehe..so aku raser aku boleh cakap..aku suker keje…betul aje cikgu aku dah predict..aku kalo keje mesti jadik workaholicnyer..hehehe..kan elok kalo belajar pun studyholic kan..ahahahaha..

My immediate bos saket dan keadaanku menghandle keje sorang2
bos ku yg kusayangi telah dijangkiti demam denggi.huhuhu..quite teruk,masuk ICU sumer and kene buat blood transfusion sbb platlet count dah sampai 20 lebeh je..huhuhu..i went to visit her twice.satu kat SMC(Selangor Medical Centre) and satu lagi after dier dah transfer ke HKL.So,last week adelah week yg sgt2 mencabar. Since I’m her assistant,i have to take over and manage all the task for PDM Interconnect Services. dengan tidak berbekalkan proper breifing,telah kene pegi meeting kesana sini untuk bende2 yg tidak ketahuan olehku hujung pangkalnya..apekahhhh!!!!thats my reaction to each email yg aku bukak yang aku tak paham ape ke jadahnyer..

there i am kene attend to meeting about MNPla,DB la,CLI la,DR la..ahahhaa..seb baik ade la sedikit sebanyak yang aku tau..cumanya ade jugak bende yg aku sepatah haram tak tahu..kene la merangkak sket nak paham..anyway,by this week rasernyer dah ok dah..dah relaks sket..dah tahu nak jumpa sesaper sumer nak bagi updates,nak follow up,nak contact2 orang mintak info and stuff.heh.i notice la,since semua org yg berkaitan adelah mereka yg dah dewasa(bukan budak2 cam aku)aku agak neves sket..nak sopan2 sket nak formal2 sket..ngehngehngeh..but i find its easier for both me and them if i buat macam bese je..relaks je contohnyer..kalo derang kater.."nnt boleh check CDR la and then buat verification"..aku akan tanyer selamba badak.."CDR tuh aper ekk?..hehe" sengih sket…tak tahu..tak perlu malu….kalo buat presentation and nak kawal crowd buat cam biasa jer..mcm agak x formal..tapi resultnyer bagus..so far dah bebrapa kali mengupdate bende in a meeting and sekali jumpa DIGI propose derang with CLI concept kat derangnyer office.(another heading for my visit to DIGI jap lagi)

tapi aritu ade satu meeting pasal double billing..hehe..telah menyampuk sket..then terbukti ape yg disampukkan olehku itu salah…ngehngeh..malu tahap cipan..kikiki..tapi seb baik maseh ade kederat nak ckp.."ooo..yek?..hehe" sambil sengih cam kerang busuk.takpe..ade lesen "I have right ask stupid question,or give stupid answers coz i’m still learning"..hehehe..harap2 aku dah pandai la sket sebelum lesen aku nih expired..biler teringat balek..aduhaiiiii..malu giler….

Meeting with DIGI kat DIGI office Subang HItech

raser cam pegi oversea la plak kan biler masuk kat Digi Lot 10 kat subang hitech tuh..interior design sgt moden…tempat makan sumer sgt selesa..but kawasan tuh bahang sket without the aircond..nak amek pass untuk meeting akan ader individualised pass la..siap nama di print out on a card..bilek meetin plak cozy la..ok..nak citer pasal workspace strukture derang…hehe..paperless and tader divider…meja2 derang keje serupa meja2 study kat Uni Library..ade komp sebijik..pastu ade la personal item 2-3 biji..just that..no file what so ever..no post it notes ke..most of them dapat laptop..and pakaian keje is casual wear..t shirt and jeans is normal…yang tuh best la..tapi bab2 open workspace nih cam tak sedap sket..tader privaci den nak chat..or tulis blog cam sekarang nih kan..ngehngehngeh..

Righteous Indignation
Last week jugak rasernyer my inbox mengalami perubahan besar..hehe..no more of those pestilential emails from budak2 MTTP yang tade keje berbual sesamer mereka tapi include all the 40-ies ppl in the loop which is so irritating..its ok to forward bende2(pun tak ske sgt but bearable)..tapi kalo msg yg begini..

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respon
la A..

Regards,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Klw
ye pn ape slh nyer?

hehehheheh

penuh
pengharapan… hati kian berbunga..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Klw
ye pn ape slh nyer?

Hehehheheh

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bkn psl A ler..Klw ye pn ape slh nyer..Ahaks..

Psl gaji
ler, mst kne agresif cket..

Best Regards;

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cpt
je bertindak balas Y kalu A..

huhuhuhuhu

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

yang XXXXXXXXXXXX tuh nama penulis..dirahsiakan..
from xxxxxxx to the whole list each and every email..or each and every sentence.

ini baru sikit..and in one email..(aku save just untuk tulis this entry)….apekahh..sehari bleh dapat around 50-ies of this on topic yang tak membantu peningkatan akhlak ke pengetahuan ke…bengang tak bengang..bukan tak penah tegur..bukan tak penah suggest..hantar jugak…derang kalo nak reply..pi letak reply to all..dah ckp dah exclude me..tanak jugak..maka aku telah hantar email kepada si inniator of this kind of email dan jugak mereka yg terlibat secara aktif memaksa aku dok tgk msg2 sampah derang nih…
tak tahu mana yang berkesan..sekarang nih aku dah tader msalah pencari publisiti seperti ini..hidupku aman..jgn kaco aku kalo aku tak kaco ko…

p/s:hari ni ade jemputan untuk meeting but i decide tade kene mengena sgt unit dan bahagian aku..ok la kot kalo tak pi..

haha…so here i am.its been 2 weeks now,i’ve been posted to my so-called permanent placement..i have a desk of my own..my own workspace..my own temporary out of date revolting acer office laptop.huh..hehe..i was given a dell latitude the other day but there’s keypad problem with that…so they gave me another laptop..this acer which operate with window 2000 and also office 2000 is now safely locked in the drawer at the right side of my desk..never to see any daylight form now on…huhu..well pardon my kebongkakan..i’m abit fussy about my electronical
gadget such as laptop,camera and phone..biar habes duit kat situ i don
mind..so i’m back with carrying my own laptop everyday in my backpack..my 3 year old Hitoshi..which run on original genuine windows XP and genuine Office2007 equiped by up to date virus protection,some pc care utilities,Nokia Pc Suite and Hoyle card Games..’he’ never crashed unexpectedly in his entire life with me..i have not reformatted it for any reason..i still can update my operating system every now and then..and with this i have pledge myself to only use genuine software untill the day i die..hehe..except for games..ok kan?..hahaha

i’ll be getting a new desktop by next week.a Dell la kot..coz everyone dapat Dell..huhu..takpe2..yg nih baru..so i hope it runs on XP and not Vista..Vista such a pain in the ass,kejap2 tanya..program nih bla bla..allow?..huhu tension akak..tu baru je beberapa minit guna laptop kawan..kalo kene yg office punyer yg aku kene gunakan hari2 maunyer aku humbankan ke sungai dari Annex 1 tuh..

hehe..melalut plak pasal laptop..erm..ok..back to the topic..i love working..

my first day at product development and management,TM Wholesale.
i was greeted by th GM herself..seriously? yeah seriously..but no red carpet la..she was there as in she was there jer..hehe..when i mean greeted it is something worth mentioning..
"so here you are, our new economist,we need somebody like you with that background..i was looking at the MTP list this year,and there i found you..so i called to book you..u’re doing bachelor of economics..we sure need some insight from that perspective…bla..bla..bla…"

banyak lagi la dier ckp..which make me blush and stuttering…"i’m not an economist..well at least not yet..huhu..but i am sure i will.." i end the sentence with some confidence..hehe..

The AGM i was supposed to see tader la plak..tgh meeting..then she hands me over to one of the managers..in VoIP unit…she(my boss) gave me a dummies series about VoIP to get the back ground of what VoIP is all about..so thats what i do with half a day..and of course i have my laptop on dgn YM and Gmail…hehe..browsing..

After lunch..jumpa ngan AGM..and after some short discussion i was ‘given’ to my boss now.i called her boss just for simplicity coz her name is quite long..one syllable ‘boss’ is more practical..then she came to my desk..yeah she did come and bukan dok panggil i come to her place(*she still does that untill now..comel kan..)..she come to my desk and started to brief me on our unit…Interconnect…ape kebende la interconnect tuh..hehe..and yeah..my boss teach me how to connect to YM using office LAN..a matter of tukar setting je..and send me an IM after that
" testing..testing…"..oh i love my boss…comel giler…ahahaha..

so now i love working..oh ye..lemme tell you one incidence the other day.

false imprisonment
i stayed up late(past 7pm) at my office..doing my work becouse dah chatting like the whole day..so guilty and nak ganti balek la..so buat keje punyer wat keje..perut dah lapar..baru tersedar..no one is around…its a friday..and sumer org balek awal on friday..huhu..so aku lepak je la..kemas beg sumer..and everythings change biler sampai kat pintu utama..i was locked..actually i doesnt matter if i have a my own passcard..but i havent..so i was stuck in there..wanting too much nak pi toilet..bayangkan..naseb baik la tak panik..i tour around my office..carik kot2 ader org lain..huhu..tader..kosong..huhu..
then i called my boss..
‘hang pi buat ape balek lewat..xpa2..sat saya kol org sat"
then dipendekkan citer..datang la maintainance guy..bukakkan pintu..aku pun terus berlari ke toilet tanpa segan silu..lama oi..

so balek haritu naik teksi je..

sampai kat umah..i told my k.ipar about my little adventure..
then she candidly say..
"kat annex 1 ade hantu..suke bediri je kat toilet.."
and aku serta merta "ba**…seyes?seb baik tak jumpa..alah..kalo dier ade kat toilet tadi tak pasan kot..ade business mustahak..ahahaha"

maka begitulah ceritanya..my first 2 week kat tempat keje..and sekang nih derang maseh belum issue punch card lagi ..i want to not remind them about that..hahaha…biar derang figure out sendiri..kikiki..setiap hari pun masuk office sama lift ngan AGMs or GM..seyesly..ahaha..lambat..balek pun lambat..saing2 derang gak…ahhaha..kelas tak..ader aura ke-GM-an..ahaha..

mari kerja..hahai!

salam..

haih..sungguh la lamenyer aku tak menulis sesuatu kat sini..hehe..selain dari entry pengumuman yang lepas..ade jugak beberapa bulan aku tak update blog aku..aih..peminat setia dah mengomel mintak aku tulis lagi..hehe..so atas permintaan beliau..maka arini aku tulis le lagi…antara sbb beliau meminta aku meneruskan penulisan kat blog ni,tulisan aku byk mengajak dia berfikir dan merenung hidup…hehe..

sbb aku lama tak update….
in short,because i’m happy..and my friends have been repeatedly advising me to not thinking too deep too much..so here i am..actually i am still thinking too deep too much but dun have the time and mood to write it up..hehe..

belajar selok belok kehidupan di ibu kota
honestly i hate living and working in KL..there’s just too many people..way too many than the city can hold..i prefer to work in less crowded place..did ask for position somewhere else,but they want me at HQ..so here i am not really excited about giving my best..but fortunately for me,after dreading for nothing,of getting difficult boss,all my boss,so far 2..are great..maybe becouse i was there just for temporary on job training that i didnt get to see it all..but on face value,they’re ok..no problem..but yes,there are a few ppl that is not my kind of ppl..hehe..keje lain personal lain..kan..so so far ok la bekerja…

pergi dan balek keje yg menjadi hal
adepun aku ini tiadalan lesen kenderaan lagi…baru je dpt lesen L..yg dah mati kot…haih..anyway that point aside…ade je bende yg menghalang aku nak pi belajar dan dpt lesen..salah satunyer cekgu aku (yg bakal kene karate dlm beberapa hari ni..ahahahaha…)ok..that point aside..so ari2 aku naik bas..atau tren

batu 10 cheras
aku sekang dok taman desa kat rumah abg sementara dapat tempat keje yang permanent..setiap hari aku terpaksa kuar rumah kul 630 pg..bas kdg2 cepat kdg2 lambat..suke suki je pemandu dier nak dtg kul baper..naik rapidkl no u72..kalo dpt tempat duduk,memang le sgt bersyukur..tapi most of the time berdiri..dlm kul 7 or lebih sampai le ke stesen pasar seni…kat sini..aku kene amek lagi satu bas untuk ke tmpt keje..kene amek u40 yg sentiasa sesak..tensen aku..so bile dok dlm bas aku pun mengelamun,kalo berdiri berasak-asak,aku pun memaki didalam hati kepada pengurusan rapidkl yg tidak menyediakan bas yang cukup..
tapi baru2 nih,setelah pening dek pelbagai bau dari mcm2 org dan juga bau dari seorang tua yg aku supek tak membersihkan diri berminggu-minggu..aku jadik jelek dgn mereka…boleh tak rapidkl nih sediakan 2 kelas bas..satu untuk mereka yang keje pejabat dan berpakaian kemas segar dan wangi dan satu lagi untuk lain2 kategori…sediakan jugak depoh bas yg berlainan untuk dua bas ini..harga tidak menjadi masalah…denagn ini mungkin boleh menarik ramai lagi org seprti saya menaiki bas..lebih selesa dan tak perlu berasak..dan tidak juga perlu menghidu bau-bauan yang kurang menyenangkan..
tiba2 terdetik.."naudzubillahiminzalik"…ape yg aku dah fikir ni..ape ni ape nih…pemikiran mcm nih tak ubah seperti mereka yg menjalankan dasar apartheid di afrika selatan..
aper aku ingat aku terlalu mulia untuk bercampur gaul dgn mereka…aku bersih dan mereka kotor?..aku hebat dan mereka tidak?…aku menelan air liur,takut dgn apa yg baru saje aku rancang tadi…naudzubillah..naudzubillah..astaghfirullah..aku diam beristighfar sebentar…

bukankah mereka semua saudara-saudara seislam aku…bukankah mereka jugak manusia..ape bezanya aku dan mereka…kenapa aku memandang jijik pada mereka yang keluar bersusah payah mencari rezeki yang halal..peluh hangit yg mereka tumpahkan demi sesuap nasi..mereka tidak meminta sedekah,tidak mencuri..usaha mereka..ketabahan mereka…terus aku buang jauh2 rancangan dan pelan tindakan aku untuk zon pengasingan..

sekarang,aku naik ke bas,redha dgn ape yg aku dpt..dpt tempat duduk atau tidak..penumpang yg lain wangi atau tidak…aku terima dgn hati terbuka..kami semua sedang dlm perjalanan mencari rezeki Allah..semoga dimudahkan dan diberkati…

hehe..tajuk mcm aper jek ekk..
tapi itulah..setelah disuroh,dipujuk,dipaksa,dibebel setiap hari supaya melakukan sesuatu untuk tujuan kemanusiaan nih..akhirnya Marlina Ketegaq ini pon menulis entry ini untuk seorang yg pernah(mark this..yg pernah) disayangi sepenuh hati..hehe..

I hav no exact or certain idea of your situation..but i have an instinct(together with 2 other ppl)that you havent move on..I couldnt care less,to be honest..coz,that strong feelings i once have for you have long gone…and i am seriously thankful for it..coz we both know its not going anywhere..hope you can move on too,like i have now..

someone close advise me to do something to help you to let it go…sbg seorang manusia yg cuba menjadi baik nih..i hope this is the first step towards a better me..

i am happy now..hope you can find some of your own..

p/s:kalo entry nih mcm nothing to do with what you felt now..saye lebeh lega..good luck..

ask "dimana saya dihati kamu?"

when there’s no doubt in your heart,in your mind that you truly belong and your place in their life is clear.There’s just no need for you to ask such question with the real need to hear the answer.hehe.i figured it out recently.(itupun setelah kene brainwash)

I want to know that I’m loved.
I am insecure.Yes.I admit it.I need to be constantly reminded that i am loved,by everyone in any relationship i’m in.It is just me.And i honestly hate that part in me.I don’t know when did i start being that,but i can say for sure that when i was growing up,i never need for such emotional support,i can survive on my own.Seriously,I dun have that many friends.Up untill now.But those friends i keep,was among those who in my opinion will accept me as i am.And yes,i got a few who did accept me for who i am but thats just that.They just accept me.I love the word "accept" or "accepting" for it describe the relationship wonderfully.They’re just there to accept me,and i was just there to accept whatever they provide me.When there’s nothing to give and nothing to accept,there’s nothing.

When works/study becomes more demanding,you will only get to hear bout each other when there’s free time.Like the friendship  become some sort of hobby for them.Well,not for me.Friendship is a serious business.But do take notice i dont require you to become obsess with me or my friendship.I just don’t want to be some sort of "Setem Hari Pertama" or "limited edition" toy that you collect and put up on  shelves for show.

Mean what you say.
People say Im a sweet talker when i want to.Yes,i admit it.But with that i carry a huge burden of proving what i say is just no mere sweet words but empty promises.Ill try to do what i say.When i say I’m sorry i didn’t say it every time.I will say it just that one time when i feel the need to apologized.Lots of people make it to apologized when they finished congregation prayer.."i’m sorry..i’m sorry" it becomes some sort of rituals and no longer carries a significant meaning.There’s less sincerity in that,and i always avoid this parade of "oh-I’m-following-Sunnah" type of action every chance that i get.Akan tetapi i was being constantly reminded that bersangka baik lah.org yg meminta maaf tuh memang niat hati suci murni dia nak mintak maaf.

Then we go to the premise of ‘Husnuzon’ iaitu bersangka baik or believing in the good intention of others.(lari topik jap)Well, i learn a great lesson myself from one of my Kakak(Kak Own) on one incident where i was the one doing the publication work of Sambutan Maulidur Rasul and fail to include one of the names of the volunteer in the end credit.A name of somebody who i judge by appearances agak banyak amal ibadat dan lengkap solatnya.So i take a stance of not to print another batch of program book just to include this person name with a reason that this person wouldnt care much about the inclusion of her name in it and back that reason up with the concept of Husnuzon.Well,this sister(Kak Own) candidly replied "Mana boleh applykan konsep hanya apabila ia memudahkan kerja awak(on which i takyah nak print another batch)"..huhu..and,yeah,kak own turn out to be correct about the importance of complete name list just a few hours after that,when i did get a complain from empunya diri…at first i did do it again(grudgingly..heheh)…"ler rupanya,penting gak bg sesetengah org utk namanya diketahui melakukan kerja2 volunteer nih"..but then i realized as those simple replied from Kak Own did resonate through my mind for quite sometimes,konsep2 mcm nih memang takleh nak applykan ikut keadaan yg kita rasa penting jer,takut kita nih sebenarnya sedang menegakkan konsep murni Islam ker or supaya action kita(yg dibuat ikut judgment kita sendiri) nampak sbg murni berlandas konsep Islam dgn meletakkan beberapa term dari Bahasa Arab.Bersihkan niat.Bersihkan Niat.

Anyway,back to the topic of mean what you say,as i mean what i say,i normally believe that whatever said to me are true.But now,as i constantly get disappointed by empty promises earlier,Its harder for me to become less skeptic to those things said to me.I doubt your words.Not that i doubt you,but it some kind of self preservation thing.I want to have high hopes and get disappointed.again and again.

Bukan Diriku
When i decide thats the end of it.Thats the end.I’m been notorious for my problem of letting go,but i don’t know,since i manage to let go of someone i believe the hardest to let go,it easier now to let go of anyone.For those who has been given countless chance to prove your words and yet again succeed in disappointing me,i hold no guilt in disowning you.Not that you are in anyway not a good person,its just that,it was never meant to be.And i believe everyone will be at their greatest potential at these things with particular somebody where you mean what you say without even trying to be abide by those sweet words you said to them.i finally except it,that i am not that person.Go and be the best person you ought to be with someone who can make you as such.Thanks for those wonderful and memorable time we shared together.This is where our life diverge from the path we once walk together.Goodbye Farewell.All the best for the journey up ahead.May Allah guide us to Him.

Nothing much happen in my life lately,unless if i count the thing that should be done long ago,but i was so weakthen.Not that i am stronger now,but maybe i am weaker..haha..merepek…anyway,i let go of things,of dream,of hope that i know,i would never have achieved..at first i felt empty,but as days go on..aku sedang belajar akan luasnya  rahmat Allah…dia bukan hantar sorang jer angel untuk aku..beribu-ribu kot..so takyah la aku dok tunggu yg sorang tu ajer kan..hehe..marah2 aku..taring2 aku..selama nih..akhirnya kurang sedikit demi sedikit..bunyik sgt keceper..tapi tader kene mengene pon..

Aku maseh belum kater aku kembali percaya kepada apa yang aku percaya dulu..aku maseh teringat,perjalanan aku mlm2 sorang2 dulu(sambil membuat sesuatu yg tak best untuk diketahui umum..paham2 ajelah org tensen wat aper kalo jln mlm2)..aku memang mcm nak jerit2.."nak aper lagi..nak aper lagi!" sambil dongak pandang langit..[uihh..terus aku terbayang ader org nnt kater "ehhhh..tak baik ckp mcm tuh..tak bersyukur namanya tuh"...hehe...jawapan aku dulu dan sekarang..."pergi la mati dgn self righteousness ko tuh"...there are some things you couldnt understand unless you experienced it yourself..don't judge others with your untested personal yardstick]

Entahlah..i think,the longer i live the less things i have/seem to be able to say to people,when they come to me with their stories..i really don’t know life at all..all i can do now is..your pain is too much for one person..let me share it..or just let me know how you’re hurt so that i can feel it too,you wouldn’t have to be so alone in that.i seriously don’t want to cure you.That’s His job,not mine.All i can do is those words i uttered in silence.

Anyway,I am ok now.not whole but just fine.There are some hurts that goes too deep that even time couldnt have it mend.But maybe its too early to tell.

In accepting life as it is,the first steps is to get angry,really2 angry when some
things happened and it touches the very core of your believe in God in Allah.Untill then,don’t go around ditching ‘wise words’.."oh..i accept life as it is"

hopes,dreams and plan are flourishing ..i’m breathing again am i..
been a little short fused(more than before anyway)lately,so been keeping my mouth shut..unless i can joke without hurting..hehe..

maseh sedang ‘berehat’..don’t want to think too much..doing anything too soon..
Ramadhan is coming,and i find that i’m a bit ashamed of myself this year..i think i was a better person last time when ramadhan’s approaching..but something’s lost and some others’ gained innit?..hehe..

i know more about myself now than ever..about other ppl too..
not that i gained wisdom or anything…felt more like a person striped down of all things previously known..left to pick up the pieces once more..put it back together,even if deep down inside i know,it will crumble again(pardon my negativity)..hehe..but its all in a good way,me saying these..
bak kate Glen Hansard
"
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along"

Oh ye..haritu tgk citer Once,lagu diatas dari movie itu..teman saye(adekku si hani) tido 60% of the screening..(haiyoh!)..makcik tuh prefer citer2 yg action packed,mcm the last movie we went to watch(Transformers)..citer nih simple2 jer..mostly lagu2 la..mcm musical pon ader…but i really enjoy it…masa dier maen  lagu diatas,rasenyer cam deria rasa-perasaan saye nih wake-up from its long sleep…i can feel again..ngahahha..yo yo o jer..

okeh..nak sambung balek study untuk Midsession test..huhu..

I have made a promise to myself the other day that today,i will come up with a decision..i’ve been putting off doing that for a while and now i couldnt even remember decison about what?hehe..what was the question again..i found me asking myself..

Now that several aspects of my life has been improving,and yet i felt empty..i have no concrete sense of self anymore..I am at the state of no identity to base my day to day goals,and long term plan..

i am that humpty dumpty who sat on a wall..so i need to decide on which one of the two sides i want to slid off to..before i’m too tired and fall,

to which all the king’s men and all the king horses couldn’t put me back together again..

( i took several minute pause)

Wait,i’m no humpty dumpty who sat on a wall..i am the humpty dumpty who has already fallen and broke to pieces..

how do i pick up ‘me’ again? or Do i want to pick ‘me’ up again?

oh..now i remember what the decision i need to make is all about..

I need to establish a ‘want’ to get up again..so i need to have reason to ‘want’..

I cant seem to find the reason

******* The Analysis Starts Here *******

I am happy this past few days..and i cant tell whether it is becouse i have so many things to do,it kept my mind of some other things..i did my presentation yesterday..such a relief..i finished the book by Dina Zaman i mentioned in my previous entry..i took my Vit C pills..there’s one thing that ive been putting off ever since last month…i need to find my faith again in life..i don feel right that i am happy..seriously…is this happy..or is this just a calming state,before its all started to crumble again…before my emotional health takes it plunged into the deepest..even deeper..its a lie if i said i’ve never been happy…but i’ve been really sad and miserable for quite a while…i dun really know the limit of a healthy happy-happy feeling..

Ironically,i figure,with the help of Dna Zaman in her articles..i suddenly find myself "ohh..ya loh…"

I started to be unhappy and miserable,when i put a goal..a serious one..that is..all i want to do and all i want to be is just that…just happy..i dun need to be the gold medalist,i dun need to get that HD,i dun need that Tan Sri,i dun need that big house big cars,i dun need all those to be happy..i just need myself,and my state of mind and i’d do things that makes me happy..not only here,now..but eternal happiness (heaven)..

And then,those series of unhappiness comes about..wave after wave after wave…i’m weakened by the unhappiness…until i lost my way of defining what makes me happy actually..what kind of happiness that i want..i’m who once so sure of what i want to do,when,how and all,fell into the shadow..i’m being unsure…and this is where i am now..i am as confuse,unsure,unhappy and lost as i have never been.

Dina wrote

" as you want to get closer to Him,He will reveal more hipocrisy"

"the more sad you’ll become.."

and i don’t really agree with the second one..but i think the first one sounds right..but i dont really know..i’m confuse kan..haha..